Emerging. Changed

Oh god. here i am, finallly writing after months of distraction and outpatient visits and a bit of travel (only to Alberta, but still. First time home, and this time last year, I didn’t think I’d ever go home again) and laundry and deadlifts and oh! my hickman port is out, and how much have i written in here so far? A bit about Tom in the beginning of my ventures into substack, some about Lee, and some musings about Illness, mortality, acceptance and grief. The loss of the sisterhood, the betrayal of the so-called left— the redefinition of feminism—has there ever been a universally agreed upon definition of feminism? I used to think so, but now I am not so sure.

Many members and former members of the gang of feminists I used to hang with took a pro-Palestine position in the aftermath of the Oct 7 Hamas attack in the south of Israel. I didn’t believe it, at first. The Hamas marauders took pictures, filmed themselves and each other doing unspeakable acts. Shouted “Alu Akbar” as they decapitated and raped and tortured the people in their shelters, in the dance party — well you know the story.

That was heartbreaking, horiffyng. It still is. I don’t know how or with whom to talk about it. There are a very few of us, women and men, who sometimes post articles that contradict the things we read on Al-Jazeera or hear on the radio, about Israel. Most of my former “fellow travellers” have not responded, or called me a promoter of genocide, or sent me long notes on messenger about all the children killed in Gaza, and asking me how I can support that? I’ve called a couple of them to answer, to talk about what they think and what I think now—but my calls went to voicemail, and presumably have been deleted.

I’m not going to chase them. At first I answered their accusations on social media, thinking that perhaps their questions were motivated by genuine curiosity, and mutual respect. Sometimes I have answered their accusations against Israel with, “what do you think about October 7th? You who call yourselves anti-violence feminists and pro-feminists? How do you justify that horror?”. Mostly they counter with more arguments against Israel, and lists of numbers, rather than a direct answer to my question.

What happened? It didn’t start with the British Mandate. Was it when the Ottoman Empire took over the middle east? Before that, I think. There is so much history, ao many pogroms, expulsions, invasions—The Jews have never had a home — until 1948. And, so far as I can tell, never a peaceful, safe home.

Seems like the answer is, “Isreal, and the Jews, brought it upon themselves”. And the IDF has murdered more women and children than Palestine have murdered women and children. It’s unfathomable, the loss of life, but what is Israel to do, when the Jihadists hide behind the women and children?

Very few engaged with me. very few women said to me, “that’s great that you post this pro-Israel material”. Most ‘feminists’ didn’t say anything about Oct 7th. Or the hostages. I listen to lots of podcasts, read articles by a variety of journalists, historians, academics, regular people.I’m frustrated by the lack of feminist voices in the public space of ‘social’ media. There are a few Jewish women; it seems most of them do not call themselves feminist, though.

I still do, call myself feminist. But I am emerging from a serious illness, and after my devastating, humiliating, failure at my last job, it’s taken a while to find my footing, or my courage. No one from that last work place ever checked in on me. Oh well. I was, once i kind of got over the embarrassment, so relieved that I will never have anything to do with them. I will grieve for a while longer, I expect. So much of my life and understanding of the world came from that place, all those women, and the work we did together over more than thirty yeats. It’s been tough to be unmoored.

I’m so lucky though, to have had that experience, those influences. To have done that work, made good contributions. And now to have some profound shifts in my perspectives of some issues. Which I guess is one of the gifts of facing mortality — then turning toward life again. I’ve had the opportunity to explore different ideas, refit some of my old opinions and beliefs, consider how to engage with my old views, influences, allies and adversaries. And, of course, learn— take slow action (I am no longer capable of quick…). Thank you for reading this, I’ll keep noodling around.